This is a story that I tend to tell people when they ask me why the hell do I seem to happy these days. It is one of the stories that are pretty much the reason I end up registering this domain and headed out to Tampere on Christmas Day. Yesterday, I ended up telling the whole thing to a friend over on Facebook, so I decided why not share it with you lot as well. (And speaking of Facebook reminds me to advertise the blog’s page there – best way to get to know when the blog updates, well, right after the RSS feed)
It’s late 2009. I’ve been single now for a couple of months, and I don’t really like it. I’d managed to get used to being in a relationship and it’s been quite hard for me to come back from that. I am quite lost, to be honest. I’m spending too much time thinking about the good things that were, the places we’d gone to, the way things were, and not focusing on what’s going on in my life right now. I’m trapped in the past.
Now, in your mind’s eye, add to this picture, of a man torn by a break-up, the ever darkening Finnish nights and some other really depressing things .. Just something, whatever helps you get into the proper mood – your mother going into surgery, your cat dying, chronic illness. I admit that the things that were bringing me down weren’t really that bad, but when you’re down, everything feels so much worse. So humor me and let your imagination run wild.
Anyhow. It’s a Tuesday, I’m working on some dead-end project that will never, ever get finished. A friend lets me know some more bad news on an IM and after spending a day of fixing other peoples’ problems, I decide I need a break from it all.
I check my bank account. Not much, but enough to get the hell away from Finland for a weekend. I can worry about other things, like living, later.
I surf to a weather service website and start looking at places in the Southern Europe.
Lisbon. Nice, but rains on Saturday.
Rome. Not really nice, in fact it’s a damn storm there all weekend.
Athens. +20°C. Sunny. 4 hours more sunlight per day than Finland. I can live with that.
Next thing I know, it’s Friday and I’m sitting on a plane. Thinking of where I used to fly half a year earlier and how nice that was. Yeah, trapped in the past.
I check in the hostel, drop my bags there and head out into the night. This is the thing I do when in a new city. Walk. Let the city soak in. I come back to the hostel some 5 hours later, but feeling oddly distant to it all. Feels like something’s blocking my senses. I shrug and go to sleep.
Saturday comes and it’s time to go be a tourist, go sightseeing.
The city is a tourist trap. People are selling “THIS IS SPARTA!” t-shirts everywhere. That pretty much sums Athens up.
I am bothered by that sense of “I’m numb” that was there already on the previous night and that still lingers. To fight it I decide to head to the harbor. There’s something about watching big ships always eases my mind, so should be perfect.
I can’t get all the way to the harbor using the Metro since there is some track repair being done, so I continue my trip by walking alongside the tracks. It’s a beautiful day, but the lights and sounds are still strangely muted.
An hour or so later, I decide I should probably take a break. The harbor is further away than I would have thought.
A rustic park bench near an old café is a perfect spot to refreshen myself with some mineral water from a plastic bottle. My eyes wander on the view. The building across the street looks really pretty and I think ”You look so much like that one café corner in Norway, where we…”
And it hits me like a jolt of electricity.
A momentary clarity, a crack in the caul that’s surrounding my senses. Light pouring through into the gray.
It’s not a building in Norway. It doesn’t look anything like that corner in Norway.
I gulp down the water in my mouth, audibly gasp, start panting.
The world is spinning. I notice the tears flowing on my cheeks as I struggle to grasp a hold of the moment.
One memory peels away from clouding my senses after the other.
The palm tree doesn’t remind me of the flowers on that one window sill. The picture of that cat is not like the cat we saw when walking down that street.
I don’t know how long I sit there. I know I’ve been crying. And when I manage to focus again, the world looks different.
I look at the corner across the street. It’s no longer the street corner in Norway and the air doesn’t smell like Latvian summer, and my mind isn’t lost in what has been. The corner is a corner in Athens. I breathing Athens air. I am in Athens.
I jog back to the city. To the first mall I can find. Buy myself a notebook and a pen, and park myself at a café. Here I order giant cups of caramel flavored cafe latte and start writing while I feel like I can still grasp a hold of the moment.
When the place closes, I’ve written 22 pages. Of what has been, what is, who I am, what I want. A complete account of the relationship and my personal thoughts on what it was, thoughts that I’ll never share with anyone. I wobble back to the hostel, send a text message to the ex explaining some things and fall asleep.
The clarity of mind remains even the next morning.
I’m awake, I’m in Athens.
It’s Sunday. It’s winter. It’s 2009.
Besides ripping the caul from around my psyche that had stopped me from enjoying the moment, I have made a strange realization when writing down things. I have recognized the situations where I have been happy in my life.
I spend my last day in Athens walking the same sights I’ve seen the previous days, but this time it feels like I’m seeing them for the first time. I am no longer suffocating.
Monday comes, I hop on a plane, head home. There is a 4 hour stop at Zürich. I am coming home. What do I want to do next?
When I said I realized when I have been happy in my life, I am talking about two situations. When I’ve been at a good relationship, or when I’ve been working in a day job I’ve been good at. I know I need to quit being a Freelancer if I want to sort out my life. I need steady income, and I like the simplicity that comes with working for someone.
I run out of Euro coins surfing on the internet terminal. Buy a sandwich with the last credit on my credit card. Sit back down to read the book. My phone rings.
“Hi, this is <the big boss> from <the company>. You used to work for us a few years ago and you’ve at some point left us a job application. Would you still be interested in coming back to work for us? Want to come over to the office and talk about it today?”
“Well, actually, I’m in Zürich just now, but how about tomorrow?”
On Wednesday, I’m at work.